oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
