I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
