he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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