Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
