Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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