the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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