I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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