He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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