Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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