Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
