and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
