I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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