Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
