I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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