apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
