I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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