he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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