i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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