Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think i have two assholes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
