she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
