Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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