he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
