based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
