fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found the puke drawer
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
