He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
