I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Less talking, more tequila
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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