Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
