a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
