can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
