I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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