Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
