Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize