dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
