Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize