just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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