tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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