They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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