Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
