i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
