You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
