I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize