Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize