I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
