I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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