wrigley field is MILF paradise
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
