Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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