Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
