laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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