Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
