i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
