Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
