I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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