I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
