a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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