i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
