Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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